Get anyone to do anything by David Lieberman, review and summary

When I read non-fiction, I always get the feeling that after a few weeks I have forgotten the entire book, even if it was a good one! In order to get more out from my books, I started putting Post-Its beside interesting quotes, so that I could write a good summary for myself afterwards. The following review is somewhat special, in that quotes does not really do it justice, so I have written a summary of the entire book instead.

Get anyone to do anything, by American psychologist David J. Lieberman, is a book that lives up to its title. It is a pop-psychological-ish book about handling people or "making anyone do anything".

Often books such as these have one major point that it tries to drive home with just a few too many words, in order to fill up enough pages. Such texts lend themselves well for a summary in a few bullet lists and perhaps a few choice quotes to get a feeling for the author's general literary style. Get anyone to do anything contains anything but filler. It is literally bristling with content, handling each subject as succinctly and to the point as is possible. Although Lieberman deserves credit for his enthusiastic sharing of such a wide spectrum of thoughts, it does put this intended summary in a conundrum. Either it ends up a blatant plagiarism of every page or only the ideas that resonated most with me can be transferred.

In general I really liked this book, and so did those of my friends who read it. The advice is so all-encompassing that just trying to adhere to them all can end up a lifestyle. On the downside, with so many topics to cover, much of the material is just collections of common sense from other sources. Even so, the book has ample room for original content and I heartily recommend it to anyone interested in self-improvement or just in what makes people tick. One of the very best.

It is a simple fact of being human that with so much densely packed information, you will not gain much benefit by just reading through it. Try to stay on each point and think about how it relates to you. If you find the advice useful, remember that you need to come back and re-read them from time to time-often at first. Repetition and doing is the only way to learn and forming habits is the only way to keep doing.

Section 1-Get anyone to like you, love you or just plain think you're great!

1.1-Get anyone to like you - Every time

Be around the person as much as possible because familiarity breed fondness, not contempt!

When you speak with him try to do it when he's in a good mood to enact the law of association. Talk about interests or experiences that you share and try to do more of the listening and less of the talking.

To enact the law of reciprocal affection, if you respect or admire him for something make sure he knows this.

Let him do a simple favour for you, but make sure that it's not out of a sense of obligation. This creates an unconscious motivation to like you more.

Build a psychological bridge and establish rapport by matching the person's gestures, rate of speech, and vocal pattern.

We are drawn to confident people. Show your confidence by being able to laugh at yourself and not taking yourself too seriously.

Make her feel good about herself. Be someone who is complimentary and sincerely kind and warm.

Have a positive mental attitude. We are drawn to people who are excited, passionate, and happy about life and being alive.

1.2-Get anyone to find you irresistably attractive

Engage in an activity with this person where emotional arousal is high.

The perception of youth increases attraction. Your posture and walking style influence greatly how youthful you appear

Passionate feelings for another can easily develop by simply staring into someone´s eyes. Look her directly in the eyes when speaking and listening.

We find others more attractive at those times when we feel less confident about ourselves. approaching her when she feels self-conscious will make you appear more attractive.

Once she already likes you, deepen the attraction by letting her know that you are attracted to her.

1.3-How to make a fantastic first impression

Smile! Smiling accomplishes four powerful things: It conveys confidence, happiness and enthusiasm, and most important, it shows acceptance.

Engage the primacy effect and make that initial moment (and the first five minutes or so) the very best and the rest of your conversation will be filtered through it, thereby creating a highly favourable impression.

The psychological phenomenon of accessability and priming can dramatically influence how we are initially perceived. Lay the unconscious groundwork prior to your meeting.

1.4-Get the instant advantage in every relationship

People want what they can't have and they want more of what they have to work for. If you are easy to come, then you may be easy to let go.

If you have an unbalanced life you will have a distorted view of the relationship. Balance gives you perspective, and perspective allows you to make better decisions in the relationship.

When all doubt is removed, the person will take you for granted. Introduce an element of uncertainty to instantly reignite the passion.

A person likes you based, in part, on how you make her feel about herself. Make her feel good and she will feel good about you.

1.5-Get anyone to see you as pure gold

Price and availability are the two most dominant psychological factors that determine tha value of just about anything. Manipulating these two factors will dramatically increase or decrease how valuable and worthy we think something is.

"Whenever you are dealing with someone or something of unknown value the first one who places a value on it establishes its worth." p.28

1.6-How to appear calm confident and in control of any situation

Don't overlook the powerful physiological influence of blood sugar levels. Avoid engaging in fight-or-flight response by avoiding sugars and refined carbohydrates.

Smile! Research show that the very act of smiling actually makes you feel more relaxed and calm

Breath deeply. When we're nervous we tend to hold our breath. Deep breathing instantly relaxes the central nervous system and literally calms your nerves.

Section 2-Never be fooled, tricked, manipulated, used, lied to, or taken advantage of again

2.7-The six-star test to see if someone is a true friend

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2.8-Does his story check out?

To use conundrum, simply introduce a piece of evidence and see how he handles it. Just make sure that he would have direct knowledge of what you're talking about if in fact his story is true. Make sure that this "evidence" is something that's plausible, but not true, then sit back and see whether he's fast with the correct response. If he hesitates, changes the subject, and/or gives the wrong answer to your question, then you're not getting the truth.

For example, statement: "No, I wasn't to the pub, dear. I was just out walking near the park" conundrum: "Oh, I heard they had a fire yesterday, what did it look like? Was it bad?"

2.9-How to tell if someone is trying to manipulate you

If somenone plays on any of these emotional strings, you know that you are being manipulated:

Guilt
Intimidation
Appeal to ego
Fear
Curiosity
Our desire to be liked
Love

If you hear anything that sounds like these manipulators, stop and reevaluate the situation. Don't act quickly and emotionally. Wait and objectively gather the facts so you don't become a hand puppet for the malevolent.

2.10-How to tell if a person's bluffing in any situation

Uncover a bluff instantly by noticing how a person tries to appear. A person who is bluffing will always overcompensate to create the illusion that he is 100 percent behind his convictions.

2.11-How to see through people

Give him the instant psychological test. Ask a question that does not accuse the person of anything but rather alludes to it. Then simply gauge his response and you'll learn right away if he's hiding anything.

2.12-How to get anyone to say what he's really thinking

Just get her to commit to liking the idea, person, or object. Then simply ask her how she thinks that it can be improved upon.

Section 3-Take control of any situation and get anyone to do anything

3.13-Get anyone to take immediate action in any situation

Narrow a person's options to avoid extensive deliberation. Fewer choices mean that he will make a decision faster and be less likely to dwell on it afterward.

Give a deadline for taking action. A deadline restricts freedom and increases our desire to gain what is rare and becoming scarcer. This greatly motivates us to move forward and to take immediate action.

Engage the law of consistency by first having an individual commit to a smaller request. When we take a small step in one direction we are driven to maintain a sense of consistency by agreeing to larger requests.

Use you words and your actions to engage the law of expectation (people will do what you expect them to do)

Maximize the law of inertia by reducing what you want a person to do to simple, easy-to-follow steps to get him to begin moving in the right direction.

Offer any small additional benefit for taking action now. This will significantly increase your chances of gaining compliance.

Keep in mind that the number-one psychological rule that determines if someone will do something for you or even with you is that she must, to some extent, like you and, preferably, trust you.

3.14-Get anyone to take your advice

Ninety percent of the decisions we make are based on emotion. We then use logic to justify our actions. You must arouse emotions in your attempt to persuade.

Offer a specific game plan with a clear-cut course of action for proceeding

Add to this how your idea will prevent negative or unpleasent consequences. This is more effective than explaining what someone will gain from listening to you.

If true, remind him how he is in some way the one who first gave you the idea.

Let him know too that this new way of thinking is really consistent with who he is. Relate the things he's done that are consistent with this current belief or action.

Don't come across as a know-it-all and you'll be perceived as more credible and sincere in this situation.

Remember that enthusiasm is contagious. If you're not excited about the idea, he will not be excited about it either.

3.15-Get anyone to follow through on a commitment to you

Use the backdoor. "What would have to happen for this not to work out?"

When you initially ask for the favor, hit as many of these five points as you can: (a) get him to say it; (b) get a specific time frame; (c) develop a sense of obligation; (d) engage his conscience and (e) have him tell you how things will unfold.

Then end the conversation with a firm verbal confirmation and a simple phrase such as "So I'll se you next Saturday, right?"

Finally, as the day approaches let him know that you appreciate that he's someone who really follows through and/or that you are glad that he knows the true value of friendship/responsibility/loyalty-whichever best applies.

3.16-How to get a stubborn person to change his mind about anything

Begin with the Crowbar Test (would you agree to do the task if I achieved some highly difficult task)

Because human beings have a strong need for consistency have her agree to a similar idea or a way of thinking that will negate her own objections later.

Restrict in some way her ability to do what you want her to and give her the opportunity to provide the solution

A person's emotional state is directly related to her physical state. Change easily the one thing that you can-her physiology. Physically moving prevents mind-lock.

She will be reluctant to change her mind without any new information because she will think of herself as inconsistent. Give additional information before you ask her to again reconsider.

Let her know that you"ve been recently influenced by her ideas. If someone is successful in persuading another person she usually reciprocates by changing her attitudes about something else in response to a persuasive appeal from that person.

Adopt a two-sided argument to increase your credibility, being sure to present the evidence to support your position first.

If possible show her how she is in some way responsible for the idea in the first place.

If the idea goes against her value system, change the parameters of the request, making the behaviour acceptable.

3.17-Get anyone to do a favour for you

If you need something done in the near future, ask when he is not preoccupied with something else. If it is for something that does not need to be done right away, ask for the favor as soon as possible, farthest from the time when he will have to do it.

Engage the law of reciprocity by doing something for him. Your "gift" can take the form of your time, your attention, or even a small gesture or compliment.

Avoid apathy by increasing personal responsibility. This is done by letting him know that you have no one else to turn to.

Your request should contain three components: (a) specifically what you want (b) how he will in some way feel good about doing you the favor, and© the relative ease with which he can accomplish the task.

If your situation is due to your incompetence, you will generate apathy, not sympathy. Focus on any elements of your predicament, that were not your own doing.

Reshape his self-concept to include the idea that helping you is something that is consistent with who he is.

Knowing others "did the right thing" invokes an unconscious desire to do the same. Have him witness or simply tell him about those who have helped in similar situations.

Studies conclude that if shel feels threatened by your success you will not get her cooperation. Explain the situation as the two of you working toward a common objective where you both win.

Most important is to keep asking. Many times people just say no because it's easy and they're used to it. Persistence in asking-in accordance with these laws-will give you every opportunity to gain cooperation.

3.18-The greatest psychological secrets of leadership

Leaders win the trust and support of the people through their identification with them. Do not set yourself apart from the crowd, but remain one of the people in the crowd.

Humility is one of the most powerful traits for effective leadership. A strong ego creates a barrier between the leader and the people.

Your vision must be clear, simple, and organized. Nobody likes or is overly inclined to follow complex and disorganized strategies.

Don't confuse passion with authority. Overly passionate leaders are believable but few people want to follow them.

Never yell or publically chastise anybody. This will cause you to lose respect.

Instantly generate the often-elusive and ever-important quality of charisma by making others feel important and special. People follow those who make them feel good about themselves.

Understand the mechanics of leadership and when it is best to ask for input and when it is best to dictate.

3.19-Get anyone to understand anything

Give an overview before going into the details. This puts the new information into an understandable context.

Use the law of expectation. Simply stating that you expect this information will be understood quickly and easily greatly increases comprehension and retention.

3.20-Minority rule

You and/or members of your group must be consistent in the opposition to majority opinions. Do not show signs of waffling.

Avoid appearing rigid and dogmatic. In light of new information, a minority that holds to the same position regardless of the situation is not as effective as one that demonstrates a degree of flexibility.

Divide and conquer. Many studies conclusively prove that when we have an ally we are much more likely to stick to your guns.

When you disagree with the majority you are disliked, hence making it difficult to sway them. Make them like you.

Don't ask someone to change his mind without introducing additional information.

When you"ve got nothing, enact the law of social proof by finding other people, outside of your group, who share your view.

3.21-How to get any group of people to get along

Numerous studies conclude that division among people dissolves when there is an opposing outside threat.

Make sure that your group identifies itself with an image that is consistent with the spirit of cooperation, not competition. The name given to your group or clique greatly influences levels of cooperation.

Section 4-How to win at any competition: beat out anyone for the job, the date, or the game

4.22-Secrets to winning in any competition

David's note: as an avid competitor I did not find this section very thorough. If you"d like to do better in competitive situations, stay tuned for a review and summary of one of my books on sport psychology.

Get the home field advantage whenver possible

Have others watch you when you feel that you are more competent that you opponent. When you are less confident, try to compete without an audience.

To enhance your performance, anchor your successes so you will be able to go into your ideal state at will

Never act out of fear, focus on the objective, not on yourself.

Mentally rehearse your performance and desired outcome.

Always have a backup plan. If your tactics are not working make sure that you can easily switch to a new game plan.

Do the unexpected and give no warning. By acting without a pattern you throw your opponent of balance.

4.23-The #1 Mistake most people make in life

When things are going your way-when you're in the pattern of success-it makes sense to put more on the line and slightly increase your risk. And when you're going strong, you decide when to stop; don't be forced into early retirement. But when things are going against you, stop and regroup.

Never do anything out of fear, if you can avoid it. Fear clouds your thinking and places your focus on the negative outcome. If you need to win then you will lose because you will be focused on what is at stake and not on the objective. Detach yourself from the objective and get in the zone before you take action.

Section 5-Make life easy: Learn how to instantly take life's most annoying, frustrating and difficult situations and get the upper hand every time!

5.24-Get anyone to return your phone call immediately

Leave a message that in some way shows your appreciation, but isn't clear as to what it's about. Human beings have an inherent curiosity, and by not making your message clear, it forces the person you're trying to reach to clarify what it's about.

5.25-Get anyone to forgive you for anything

If your explanation is due to circumstances beyond your control it is received much more favorably than an axcuse that mentions only reasons that you had control over.

If the situation was not beyond your control-meaning that it was completely your own doing-then make sure that you take full and complete responsibility for your actions.

Your apology should be sincere and specific.

Let the person know that you are prepared to face and accept any consequences for your actions, and that your fate is in her hands. You must restore her sense of power.

Demonstrate how the set of circumstances that led you to your behaviour can never occur again in the future.

If fear was part of your motivation, be sure explain exactly how your actions were rooted in this fear.

Show that your actions did not produce any of the anticipated gains of benefits.

5.26-The best way to break bad news

Avoid words that have harsh, negative connotation or stigma. Language is the basis of thought and thought is the extension of emotion. Therefore, you can substantially decrease a person's reaction to a situation by choosing the right words.

Present the situation when possible (or aspects of it) as temporary isolated and insignificant.

Use the law of contrast and comparison by illustrating how it could have been worse than it actually turned out.

5.27-Get back anything you"ve loaned fast, and without an argument

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5.28-Say no without hurt feelings or guilt

When you turn down the favor (that's being asked of you) ask for a favor from that person right after you say no to his request. By asking a favor of him that he can't come through on, you"ve in effect canceled your debt as soon as he declines your request.

When you turn down his request, and before you ask him to do something for you, use the word because in your excuse. The word because triggers an unconscious acceptance that a valid explanation follows.

"If you're not sure if you can help out, don't say that you're not sure or you'll think about it. The smartest thing to do when initially asked is to give a resounding "Yes!". If you can't follow through you will be believable"

5.29-How to turn a rude and obnoxious person into your best friend

First make sure that your attitude is not the problem. If you expect someone to dislike you, you will likely interpret her actions through this warped perspective.

Tell a third party that you genuinely like, admire and/or respect this person. This will engage the law of reciprocal affection.

By showing an interest in her you will get her to like you faster than if you spent all day trying to get her interested in you.

Talk about those things that you share and have in common-ideas, values thoughts, etc.

She likes you based on how you make her feel about herself. You can be the greatest person in the world, but she will dislike you if you make her feel unimportant and insignificant.

5.30-How to stop a rumor before your reputation pays a price

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5.31-Stop verbal abuse instantly

Resist your initial inclinations to get defensive. If it's his problem don't make it yours! The psychological dynamics change dramatically as soon as you use the word "I" or "me". Then it becomes something between you and him.

If you are worried for your physical safety then acknowledge his "authority and power" to diffuse his anger. Do this by becoming more upset at yourself than he is at you.

5.32-Get anyone to open up to you

When you get a vague answer, ask a more specific question that is related to his answer. If you ask a general follow-up question you will only get another general response.

If the person is unsure of how to answer, ask her instead to tell you how she feels about an aspect of the situation, instead of the entire situation itself.

Ask her if there might have been any unconscious motivations at work. This alleviates the element of guilt as it does not imply that there was intent.

5.33-Deal with any complaint fast and easy

Say nothing. Just listen. Paraphrase what he's just said. Use "buildup" ("no one as important as you should have to..", "I know you're not accustomed to being treated..", "If I were you I would be just as upset") phrases to reinforce his ego and sense of importance. Ask him what he would like you to do.

While doing the above, establish rapport to help him feel more at ease and comfortable with you.

5.34-Stop jealous behaviour in an instant

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5.35-How to get the best advice from anyone

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5.36-Give the harshest criticism without offending

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5.37-Get anyone to confide in you and confess anything

Tell him a secret or something personal about what is going on in your life. When someone tells us something about himself, not only do we feel psychologically closer but we feel a need to reciprocate by sharing something personal with him.

Ask him about his views on something general. When he does tell you, do not argue or debate the merits of his beliefs. If you "coincidentally" share the same views this will significantly increase your psychological bond.

By having the person focus on his emotions, you unconsciously force him to seek support from you, to open up, and to share. To apply this, have the person focus on how he feels about the situation, not on the situation itself.

If appropriate, offer a benefit for telling you. Letting him get it off his chest is okay but not always effective.

Fear of what you will think of him is often an obstacle. Overcome this by letting him know that you are not judgmental and that we all do things we're not proud of.

5.38-How to handle any tough (or stupid) questions

Never, ever, get defensive. The minute you try to defend yourself, you"ve lost.

Don't automatically accept the person's premise or you may be starting at a disadvantage. Instead gain leverage and ask him to explain why he thinks the way he does.